What No One Tells You About Breastfeeding

Pregnancy… the part of your life where you are praised for slowing down and just being. The beautiful, yet uncomfortable period where you have nothing but time, time to think, plan and to dream.

When I was pregnant, I had this perfect dream birth and postpartum scenario planned out in my head. I would give birth vaginally, (no tearing of course), and hold my perfect baby boy the second he arrived, place him on my chest and have him latch immediately. From then on, we would spend our days eternally bonded and well on our way through our beautiful breastfeeding journey.

As you will learn from reading my birth story (If I ever muster the courage to relive it and share it with the world), none of these things happened. The very second my son was born, it was nothing but chaos. I was put under anesthesia during my emergency C-section, which meant my husband was not allowed in the room. “CODE PINK” chimed on the PA system, all staff on the floor busted through the operating room door, leaving my husband to his thoughts… one of them is not breathing.

Turns out that my little man was the one not breathing. I am so thankful to say that after some intervention, he was able to breathe again without issue. The midwife rushed out the door to deliver my beautiful boy to his daddy. Meanwhile, I woke up in a pain medication filled stupor in which I was unable to speak properly, let alone remember meeting my baby for that brief two minute skin to skin. My husband does like to remind me that I was overjoyed and yelled “ MY BABBBBBYYYY” when I first laid eyes on him.

The hospital staff did not try to help him latch, instead he was taken away to the NICU immediately, leaving me for ten hours. During those ten hours, he was given hospital-issued formula without me being consulted. After the ten hours, I was somewhat back on planet earth, still groggy but aware. I spent the next fifteen hours desperately trying to get my boy to latch and nourish him with my colostrum. He refused to latch, hospital staff bursting in every three hours forcing us to give him formula. My heart was breaking. My entire pregnancy I was told that my body was “made to breastfeed”, why wasn’t he latching??? Why didn’t anyone tell me that it didn’t happen right away? Why isn’t this talked about?

We left the hospital, new baby in tow! After the hell I had just gone through, I found it difficult to be happy. I had given birth to the most beautiful, healthy baby boy… why wasn’t I on cloud nine? I had immediate post-partum blues, in which I felt like the first moments of bonding had been stripped from me. I resented my husband for being the first one to hold him. I felt as if my baby and I would never be bonded. Through the trauma, it was as if my body did not realize that I had given birth, I felt like a dark cloud was over me.

I spent the next week power-pumping, trying to get my milk to flow, still desperately wanting to get that liquid-gold colostrum into him. I spent hours trying to get him to latch, both of us crying hysterically every single time that we failed. I was determined, but exhausted. I paid $200 for a lactation consultant to come into my home to ultimately tell me that my baby was stressed due to the traumatic birth and needed a massage. A MASSAGE???? Was she serious?

By day four, I was just about to give up. I felt like a failure. Through non-stop pumping, I had accumulated a very small bottle of breast milk. I had given that to my baby but of course it was not enough and still had to supplement with formula. I hated myself. I had a visit from my midwife that afternoon and she gave me nipple shields to try. My baby started to latch momentarily, guzzling a small amount of milk but then began to cry and detach himself. We spent the next half hour crying, latching and detaching.

Breastfeeding was still a struggle, we tried the entire next day, latching and detaching and sharing more tears together. We had some friends visit and I was still feeling the aftermath of postpartum. I was exhausted, sore and just in complete shock of just how hard breastfeeding truly was. When our friends left, I had a meltdown, crying to my husband about just how terrible I felt and that I still did not feel bonded with our baby. I threw myself into the shower, crying some more, contemplating what I was doing wrong. After some soul-searching, I decided that I was not going to try anymore. My brother and I were raised on formula and we turned out okay, why wouldn’t my baby? As I turned off the shower, I noticed my breasts were engorged and leaking! I knew I had to try one more time!

I threw on a towel, grabbed my baby and my nipple shields and brought him to his rocking chair. I put on the nipple shield and to my surprise, he latched instantly, guzzling down the milk and not coming up for air. We did it!!! In those few moments of him latching and guzzling, the bond was instant. My heart sang. Any remnants of postpartum had dissipated and I started to feel an overflow of love in my heart. Through persistence, I was able to get what I so desired to experience with my son. Now our bond is fierce, he is the most important man in my life, (my late, angel of a dad and my husband are a very close second!) Since that day, we have never had an issue with breastfeeding and not once have I doubted how much love I have for this little boy.

Now that I think about it, the immediate bond was delayed because I had put so much pressure on myself to get him to latch. Had I just taken a breath and enjoyed those first moments instead of beating myself up, would I have struggled with our bond? I guess I will never know. I wish someone had shared with me what is not talked about enough about breastfeeding during my very early post-partum journey.

What they don’t tell you about breastfeeding:

• Stop and enjoy these moments. Smell your babies head, take the photos and enjoy the cuddles. You will never get this moment in time back. Stop putting pressure on yourself to breastfeed and appreciate how strong your body is, you have just given birth to a tiny human! Breastfeeding (if you chose to) will come with time, be gentle on yourself.

• Persistence is key! Keep trying! Stay calm and use every opportunity to try to get baby to latch. Pump often and get your milk flowing. Enjoy lots of skin to skin time with your baby. There is no rush, it will happen and one day it will no longer be a struggle.
• Buy formula. Buy a case of formula just in case it does not go to plan. Have it on hand to avoid having to run out after giving birth. Believe me, leaving is the last thing you want to do. Best case scenario, you have a case of formula you can donate to a baby that needs it. Worst case, your baby is given the nutrients it needs until you can establish your breastfeeding journey.  Be selective of what formula you choose, make sure to find one with the cleanest ingredients.  (I recommend goat-milk based!)
• Have low expectations. Accept the fact that your baby may not latch right away and that it may take some practice.
• It is exhausting AF. When you do finally get into the routine of regularly breastfeeding your child, now comes the exhaustion. Exhaustion on top of the exhaustion you already have from barely sleeping during those first weeks. Think… pulling an all nighter then having to run a 10KM the next morning, sure you can probably get it done but you will definitely feel like you are dragging your ass the whole time. Your body is constantly working to produce milk and uses all of your energy to keep up! Remember to eat and hydrate! Even when you feel like you don’t have the time to make yourself something to eat, do it! Coffee alone will not help your body keep up with the demand, but it does help you stay sane. Grab yourself a huge mason jar and fill it up with water, drink the entire jar every time you sit down to feed your baby.
• Supplements are great! I tried my fair share of supplements when I was trying to get my milk supply in. Perhaps I tried a few too many at first, but I managed to narrow it down to a few favorites that I still use to this day!
• Formula is totally okay too. If you decide that breastfeeding is not for you, that is your prerogative! Don’t let anyone tell you what is best for your baby. Mommy instincts are very real and your heart will tell you what to do. As mentioned above, do your research and find formula with the cleanest ingredients possible!
• Ask for help, talk about your struggles with other moms. They just may have some advice that you can use. Take what you need, leave what you don’t. Not all advice is good advice!

Enjoy this journey and remember that you are a strong, capable mother regardless of how you feed your child. Be kind to yourself and your body.